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  • Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

  • Bardolph, I say,--

  • Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
    Exit BARDOLPH
    Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a
    barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the
    Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,
    I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give
    them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues
    slighted me into the river with as little remorse as
    they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,
    fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size
    that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the
    bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had
    been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and
    shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells
    a man; and what a thing should I have been when I
    had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.

  • Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack

  • Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.

  • Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my
    belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for
    pills to cool the reins. Call her in.

  • Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

  • By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship
    good morrow.

  • Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of
    sack finely.

  • Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
    Exit BARDOLPH
    How now!

  • Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.

  • Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown
    into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.

  • Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:
    she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.

  • So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.

  • Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn
    your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning
    a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her
    between eight and nine: I must carry her word
    quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.

  • Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her
    think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,
    and then judge of my merit.

  • Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?

  • Well, be gone: I will not miss her.

  • Peace be with you, sir.

  • I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word
    to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.

  • Enter FORD

  • Bless you, sir!

  • Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed
    between me and Ford's wife?

  • That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.

  • Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her
    house the hour she appointed me.

  • And sped you, sir?

  • Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.

  • How so, sir? Did she change her determination?

  • No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her
    husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual
    'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our
    encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,
    and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;
    and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither
    provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,
    forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.

  • What, while you were there?

  • While I was there.

  • And did he search for you, and could not find you?

  • You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes
    in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's
    approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's
    distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.

  • A buck-basket!

  • By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul
    shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy
    napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest
    compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.

  • And how long lay you there?

  • Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have
    suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.
    Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's
    knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their
    mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to
    Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met
    the jealous knave their master in the door, who
    asked them once or twice what they had in their
    basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave
    would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he
    should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he
    for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But
    mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs
    of three several deaths; first, an intolerable
    fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten
    bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good
    bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to
    point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,
    like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes
    that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a
    man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject
    to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution
    and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.
    And in the height of this bath, when I was more than
    half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be
    thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,
    in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of
    that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.

  • In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you
    have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;
    you'll undertake her no more?

  • Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have
    been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her
    husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have
    received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt
    eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.

  • 'Tis past eight already, sir.

  • Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.
    Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall
    know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be
    crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall
    have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall
    cuckold Ford.

  • Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I
    sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!
    there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.
    This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen
    and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself
    what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my
    house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he
    should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,
    nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that
    guides him should aid him, I will search
    impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,
    yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:
    if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go
    with me: I'll be horn-mad.